Leaving my kids to find myself

Ok, for those of you that read my precious little space often – you would have noticed that I’ve been really quiet over the last few weeks. If you haven’t, then – welcome to our little world of Feder’s.

So, I’m honestly not one to talk about something really huge until it’s actually happening. (Call me a small pessimist that doesn’t like to have egg all over her face) so what’s happening, I hear you ask? I’m doing my first “far away” trip, without my kids and for a whole two weeks!!!! Eeeekkk

Yes, you read it right – first time! Our oldest kid is 10 years old…… the last time I travelled abroad without a kid was on our honeymoon. (Technically the last time we travelled abroad was two and half years into our marriage, buuuuuuuut – I was four months pregnant with our first-so I had a kid with me…….technically)

So this is huge!!! Like, Kilimanjaro HUGE!!!!

For those of you reading my blog for the first time, please reread the subtitle of my header……… “3 homeschooled kids”…….. with that in your head space – just think about how much time I spend with these little people. I’ll give you a sec……

Yes, a lot-of-time. I am literally, and I mean literally an unpaid PA to three little human beings.

Now for some of you, this would be your idea of an amazing break from an extremely intense job. But I want you to understand how I’m processing this. (I’m writing this as I’m on the first leg of our trip away from our little people, so the “feels” are as fresh as baked bread. Warm and full of nostalgia)

Imagine a job that you have 24/7 that, even though it makes you so tired mentally, physically and emotionally, you wake up everyday loving it! Throwing your everything into it to make the vision and goal possible. It’s like being a runner, running a really long marathon – it hurts and burns but you love the feeling it gives your body and you know that at the end of the day – win or lose – just finishing is satisfying enough because you threw your everything into it.

That’s how I feel everyday about being with my kids. It’s hard work, but I love it so, so much.

Ok, so now that you know how I feel about the little people – let’s get back to how huge this is for me.

My hubby asked me to join him on this trip last year in like, June/July. (I think) and for the first time I looked at my ‘passion’ and said to myself, “hey, this could actually work. They’re old enough and I need to actually take a moment to find Shaveh outside of the everyday ‘passion’ of grooming our three little human beings”

So I told him I’d come – if there was funding for it.

Dude, just like the last time I picked something up of myself – from before kids – this lit a flame in my hubby so big that he set to working his butt off to make sure that I’d be able to join him. (I was kind of shocked really – and kinda loved him more for wanting this for us #hubbybrag #hubbahubba)

So the journey to where we are today began and over the last six months, we have saved up, fundraised, got the visa and planned this trip out.

This is where I explain why I’ve been on the down low for the last few weeks.

Guys! It’s one thing to leave your “school going” kids to have a two week experience away from them. It’s a different animal to leave your “homeschooled” kids to be away. Now – don’t get me wrong, please – school moms have to do massive amounts of planning to leave their gems as well. I’m here to share what it’s like as the homeschool mom.

We had to decide who would be the best person to not only care for our trio, but also be able to teach them and run them around to their various activities to retain some sort of normalcy in their little lives.

So who better than the person the pretty much made me. Mom Smythe took up the challenge and I am extremely grateful – because handing the reigns over to her, has been easier than I would have dreamed.

I have spent these past few weeks confirming extra murals, laying out timetables, planning lessons and activities for a little 3 year old. I have made sure that there are dinners frozen for her to just whip out when she doesn’t have time to make something herself.

There are daily lesson plans, reward cards, chore cards, preschool stuff laid out, play dates and parties Rsvp’d with presents wrapped – so that no matter what – these two weeks run as smoothly for her as it should.

So my brain is fried! I have checked every box possible and balanced every little bit I can, so that as I sit here, in the aeroplane seat, I can say – that without a shadow of a doubt I have done all that I can do to ensure that my kids are educated and cared for while I’m away. And so that my mom doesn’t have to worry about all the little itty bitty planning things that would make a wobbly day that much more stressful.

I hope this has painted some sort of picture for you about how letting go and leaving them has made me feel.

Besides the whole leaving them part is huge, it’s also revisiting a part of myself that has been pretty much dormant for a while. Now, please don’t even bother to think that this is a bad thing. Having had part of me asleep all of these years. I have absolutely no regrets!!! None. I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Homeschooling wasn’t always on the cards but It was on a ‘nice to have’ list I’ve got.

So over the past year I have been taking various moments to assess myself. I think this part helped me make the decision to do some of the things I’m doing. I know that I will not be a homebody mommy forever. Well, because kids kinda grow, right? And they leave. So, I think right now, in this season I’m in – I realized that it’s really important to rediscover myself again and see what’s been lying under a few rocks and shed some light on them. I honestly have come to realize that I don’t want to be in my late forties and looking at my reflection and not knowing who I am anymore. That would potentially kill my marriage (because really, if I don’t know who I am then how will he even be able to) and also send me spiraling into an abyss of depression, I don’t want to even imagine could happen.

Anyway, in a massive nutshell – I am mentally muscling myself into rediscovery and even though I ‘feel’ sad about leaving the kids behind – I most certainly know this is the healthiest move for me and even more so for our marriage. I have an amazing husband who sees more of me that I see of myself and it’s time to test the waters a bit and see what’s under those rocks of me.

Wow! Can you tell I’m on a really love flight? I had a lot to say there – please share any pearls of wisdom about being in this kind of season. As many tips as possible would be most welcome – I really would love to learn from you.