Posted in Shaveh

I hate crying when there’s nothing to cry about

Have you ever had a day, a week or a month where you feel like you’re carrying lead around with you and it’s just yucky? I’m not talking about physically (even though this does influence the physical) I’m talking more like in your soul and heart?

I’ve had a few weeks like that lately. It’s so easy to mask it up – let me tell you – SO EASY. Especially in the generation we’re living in. Smiles, hugs and waves are so superficial and can so easily hide what’s really going on.

The worst is when you don’t even know why you’re feeling like that, right? I don’t think it’s full on depression but I bet it’s a drop of what depression feels like.

I have been unmotivated, empty and unwilling (wait, I don’t think that’s the right word – more like unable) to give to others what I would normally be able to. Others, I mean like my hubby, children and friends. It’s the weirdest thing, and I’m honestly so tired of feeling like this so I’ve been throwing myself into projects to see if being creative will help lift my spirit up.

I’ve even tried doing the right thing and spending time with God. I just feel that even there – I’m so heavy that it’s like sitting in His lap and just wanting to cry, but I don’t even know why I’m crying? And I hate crying when there’s nothing to cry about – I mean come on? Who wants to ugly cry for nothing, right?

But then again, maybe I’m carrying something and I don’t even know what it is…… like a subconscious something that’s trying it’s darndest to get out.

I don’t know about you, but who wants to go digging around a landmine and expect to not get hit or blown to pieces.

It’s more like, maybe I don’t want to fall apart because I’m pretty much ‘it’ for the kids. I’m their teacher, chauffer, chef and mom. My hubby works solidly and for me to just mope about and cry about something I don’t even know about, doesn’t make sense? Plus, my family’s life would go to the pooper if I did. I know my kids would lose their minds and go at each other like wild animals – and I aint having that. Fo realz!

Wow, this is depressing just reading it back to myself. I apologise for ruining your Monday. I wish I could end this one with something encouraging or something really profound – but alas – I am empty and void of anything positive right now.

I guess let’s call this one a really real low. Here’s hoping something flips somewhere and I can tell you about that……

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Posted in Shaveh

When I’m so not motivated to be motivated

I don’t know about you but there are so many days when I get to the end of them with my shoulders hanging and tired out of my mind wondering, “What did I actually achieve today?”

Being a full time mom and “home educator” is full of it’s rewards, but the rewards are like the polaroids of my life. In between it’s all the ugly mess and hard work where there’s no time to actually capture and show everyone. I mean really, as much as we all like the idea – who really wants to see all of that. Continue reading “When I’m so not motivated to be motivated”