As you can probably assume based on the date of my previous post – it has been a really long time since I have written anything on this precious little space of mine. Yup, even I look at the date and wonder – what happened? I feel like I’ve ghosted myself. #facepalm
Anyway, let’s just say that after the last post I typed up – a lot of conversations have happened over the 7 months of negotiating with my preteen daughters over how they didn’t want me to write about them at all on the internet…….. I know?
I had so many responses to this stance of theirs. Before you I say what the response was – I just need to go back a few steps and remember about how I have committed to honour their reputation online at all times. Yoh! guys! this was the major crux of the matter because – it was going smoothly up until they hit me hard with their “mutiny”.
So, my immediate response was the total “calm mommy” one of, “yes girls – I hear you and so I won’t write about you at all anymore”
Ummmmmmm, EASIER SAID THAN DONE!!!! I came to realise that in order for me to write anything about my life, in any shape or form with the current season I am in – I have nothing else to write about.
Ok, yes I could write about my marriage – but that has been influenced and what we’ve been dealing with, totally has them in the story in some shape or form…… so I can’t write about that. I can’t talk about what I’m feeling or dealing with, without referring to them in at least one form because a lot of what I am processing involves what I want them to learn from me……. soooooooo nada.
What did I do? well – considering the online silence and lack of internet interaction…… nothing. I have been sitting a-twiddling my typing fingers and gazing at my keyboard every night just wanting to gush what’s in my being……. but honour is honour and I have had to stick to my word and keep from breaking a commitment I made to not only myself but my girls as well.
Anyway, here I am – back at it and that is because I have been in “negotiations” with the two of them about how this is a really important part, not only theirs, but of my journey as well. As their mother, I am learning something new everyday and if I don’t get that down or keep the memory recorded – then I’m going to be sacrificing a part of myself that could potentially help someone else but also help us, as a unit, on this journey of growing up. They’re not the only ones growing here, right?
There were many conversations about how their learning curves are mine as well and they are to be treasured and remembered – not only for me but for them as well when they get older. This is so that we can reflect and either laugh or cry over the road we’ve walked together, and really enjoy each other. (That’s the hope anyway)
Why negotiate with them – you may wonder. One thing I’ve learned over this time – especially with my oldest – is that in doing this and taking a step back from myself, my heart and hope is to show them that I value my relationship with them more than my creative need to do something just for me. I hope that by talking it out and asking them to see things from my point of view – rather than enforce my superiority over them – that I am building and paving a road to a relationship that doesn’t have to hit a massive wobbly in the teen years. But rather have a way of communicating together with respect and transparency. With all of us being totally open to being rejected and told no and not spinning out because of that harsh word. No is good – and it makes us grow. Even as an adult or parent – No hurts but helps us step back and learn something new about ourselves.
Needless to say – negotiations went well and I’m here. They’re ok with me writing about them, as long as I don’t throw them under the bus and totally humiliate them beyond repair – so, let’s get the ball rolling again and I can once again record my precious memories with the four gems in my life (hubby included). Woohoo!