I looked over my blog calendar the other day, and I was gob smacked at how little I have actually been writing. It’s nuts how this kind of thing actually needs to be planned for and allocated time to.
There are so many spheres of my life that I really need to get back into sharing with you guys. I know that I have been talking a lot about the kids and how we go about our everyday lives. But I think that I need to start sharing a little more about Tim and I and what we are going through.
I find it to be such a tentative thing to talk about because honour is so important to me and I don’t want to come across negative in any way – because that is not what this space is for. And, I really hope that should I share something deeply personal, that it wouldn’t be used against me or my husband in any way ever! If you are reading this and that is your intention – then know your maker is watching and you reap what you sow.
Ok, so now that my boundaries are semi laid out.
Being a wife and having a husband is not gloriously glowing with hearts and fairy dust. It’s extremely hard work and I am marveled at the fact that we make it through our days, weeks, months and years up to now.
One thing I have made a decision to do as a wife to my Tim, is to never hold my feelings in and expect him to try and figure me out in order to get the outcome I want. That, my friends, is manipulation – and as much as I constantly itch to do it sometimes – I know that that is not the kind of woman, wife or friend I want to be to him.
So, it’s been interesting over the last few months where I’ve been trying to figure myself out and he’s been on the outside looking in at me and trying to help me sort through my stuff.
It’s amazing that as much as I’d love for him to have the answer and be able to experience the joy of sorting “his wife” out and helping her get to a place of understanding herself – this hasn’t been easy for him. I could see it.
It’s been hard to connect when I haven’t even known how to piece myself together in order to connect. He is amazing though.
But because I have made a decision to not sit in silence and have him get frustrated – I did what I thought best and just said to him I don’t actually know what’s wrong and he needed to be ok with that. It didn’t mean I didn’t love him any less and it didn’t mean that I was pulling away. I was just needing the time to figure myself out.
He stepped back and let me – and that my friends – is the love of a good man. He didn’t force me into a corner or push me to getting to that place. He didn’t even tell me to pray or do anything spiritual.
He graciously let me be and every so now and again gently asked if I was ok. I think I’ve climbed out of the hole of being slightly lost and he was very glad to have me back and understanding myself a lot more.
But what’s interesting is that he’s now trying to figure himself out as well.
You know, that in our generation and time – there are so many balls to juggle and there are so many ways to look at ourselves and it’s having a team mate that is willing to give you the room to find our own ways to cope and juggle the balls.
I’m a wife, lover, friend, mother, home maker, teacher, mentor, daughter, sister, aunt, woman, artist and girl – all of these require different aspects of me and I can only decide what kind of those aspects of me I want to be.
The same goes for my husband. He’s a husband, lover, friend, father, bread winner, teacher, minister, son, uncle, man, musician and boy.
If we were to ever look at these aspects of ourselves and say we’ve made it – then we’d be fooling ourselves.
Reassessment is important and necessary for growth. Some parts need to take a back seat and others need to shine. But all in all – they need to work in harmony and with each other to make us into the human beings that we are.