I don’t know why but today I just woke up feeling sad. Nothing traumatic has happened to me exactly but it’s been a day of trying to process through why I’m feeling this way. I don’t like to feel sad, because it’s a hard emotion to wade through.
Now, I know that sadness isn’t a bad thing. I know that it is “staying” in the sadness that is harmful and needs to be checked on. But what I find even more threatening is how easily it has become for me to mask the fact that I am just sad. I go through the motions of doing what I need to do for the day and probably project a slightly bad mood – but that’s mainly because I actually don’t know why I am sad.
I think that’s the worst. Just sitting here – not knowing exactly what brought this on? AND, that because I don’t even understand it – how am I supposed to communicate the feeling to anyone else close to me? What is that?
I must admit though, that I think it’s a good thing – mainly because it does MAKE me wade through everything else that’s sitting on the shelf of my life right now.
I feel like I’m running my fingers across the spines of so many aspects of my life and every so now and again – I pull one of those parts of me out and look through it and just question various aspects of that part of me.
This, I think, is actually why I think it’s a good thing to be this way sometimes. It’s like I’m scanning through my internal software, checking for any viruses – emotionally.
I must admit that I’ve found a few – and I’m in two minds about sharing them, because they are a bit raw and I don’t quite want to blurt it out on this side of the “sad” speed bump. I always think it’s best to share when you’re either on the other side, or in the middle somewhere – but right now – I’m at the beginning of this one and I want to make sure I’m not over reacting. It could get really messy up in here. Trust me.
Anyway, I’m just in that space and I really wanted to type that out – because I think it’s important to put things down in front of you and wade through them step by step and make sure that no stone is left unturned and every bug is cleaned out before moving on.
Here’s to sadness and the clarity it can often bring – hope the wave passes soon.