Just so you know, I’ve been wrestling between whether or not I should share these conversations with the World Wide Web. “Conversations” being with my two girls. Eventually Jude will join in but for now it’s just the two of them.
After this past weekend, it pretty much nailed it down for me – that I had to share this table talk with you guys.
Before I get into it, please understand that we have made a decision as parents, to be completely honest and open with our kids and to give the “closest to fact” kind of answers as we can. Alongside the truth we believe to be God breathed and from the Bible.
With that said let me share the conversation we had
The girls were sitting at the kitchen counter eating their supper and I decided to throw in my random, “so what’s on your mind at the moment?” Kind of questions. With that on the table, Iraina decided she was going to drop a “silly” yet “serious” question.
She giggles and asks, “mom, why should sex(hee hee hee) only be for when you’re married?”
(Note I was giggling inside, but play it cool like she’s asking about her foot. But like, “why was that on your mind, right? You’re seven!”)
Anyway, firstly I ask, “Ray, why do you giggle when you say the word sex?”
Iraina, “agh, mom – I don’t like saying the word, it’s weird! Can’t I say something else?”
Mom, “why is it weird? It’s a very normal thing?”
Iraina, “naaah, I don’t like it – can’t I say something else instead?”
Mom, “it shouldn’t be weird, but if you want to talk about it more what do you suggest?”
(Aislyn is having a fat laugh the whole time)
We then proceed to have a discussion on what should be the “code” phrase that we can use when we talk about sex.
We settle on, “the naked hug”.
So, back to the question. “Why should we wait?”
I proceed to explain the firstly God has given us guidelines called the 10 commandments and what are they?
1. Put Him first
2. Rest on the Sabbath day (it’s important for us to rest or else we would just be working all the time and die and not enjoy our lives and God)
3. Love your neighbour as yourself (I say to them, “imagine if every one was just nasty to each other? Or just selfish all the time? That’d be horrible right?”)
I continued to paraphrase because it was going to take forever to get to my point. So I highlight “do not steal, do not kill” and what those consequences entail.
So with that highlighted I throw in “do not commit adultery”
Mom, “so just like the other guidelines God has given us, they are for a reason. Besides ‘the naked hug’ being awesome in marriage – God wants to protect us from diseases, and our hearts getting hurt every time you do the naked hug with someone that isn’t your husband for life”
Iraina, “ya mom, I get it but what if it’s just one guy doing it one time with one girl and they don’t do it again until they’re married? Wouldn’t they be safe from diseases then?”
(In my head folks, I was like, “WHAT DON’T YOU GET! Don’t you want to have a pure lifestyle and be happy?” But I played it cool and continued)
Ok, when a question like this comes up in my home – I always resort to props to better explain a huge concept to my little people’s brains.
So, I immediately whip out two table spoons and 10 teaspoons.
Mom, (holding up the two tablespoons) “so here’s the teenage guy, and the teenage girl. They have told each other that they love each other and are really wanting to do the ‘naked hug’ together because they loooooove each other. But, teenage girl hasn’t told teenage guy that she has had the naked hug with 10 other teenage guys……(enter in teaspoons, laid out behind the one tablespoon) so, if teenage girl has the naked hug with teenage boy only once even though there are 10 other teenage guys involved…… will teenage boy get a disease?”
(Please don’t be offended that the girl had more partners, the girls were talking like the boy was the innocent party here – so I went with it to explain my point)
Mom, “of the 10 teaspoon teenager guys, 2 of them have a disease and she didn’t know…… will teenage boy get a disease?
Aislyn, “so mom, all of these teaspoons are her kids?”
…..cue face palm
I immediately exchange all teaspoons for 10 other tablespoons and explain that they are NOT her kids but grown up teenage guys.
Mom, “so now that we have the setup right, will he get a disease?”
Iraina, “yes, he will”
Oh, but wait for it……..
Iraina, “but still, why should we wait?”
Ugh, what is with the questions! Hahahahaha
Ok, so now I resort to other forms of explanation… that I think they’ll understand. Please understand my heart is for my kids to live a life of purity rather than just throw heir hearts everywhere and have hurt and issues dragged along with them into their marriages. You may or may not agree with me but this is my prayer for them even though the world is horribly sick. (Ok, back to the topic)
Mom, (holding up my right hand like I’m holding a tray) “if I was giving you a present and you could choose which one you wanted, between – this one that has been played with by another child and is dirty. Then (holding up my left hand) would you rather have the brand new toy I have here?”
Once again, wait for it…..
Iraina, “well, I think if the toy has been used they could show me how it works and I’d have more fun playing with it….”
COME AGAIN?!?!?!?!?! I LITERALLY SCREAMED IN MY HEAD. NO CHILD! I want you to want to stick with purity, not go to the “experienced ones” for assistance. I didn’t know whether to just quit or push through but my kids train of thought was frustrating – let me remind you that she is 7!
So, I spontaneously recalculate and explain the scenario again…..
Mom, (right hand up) “I have a brand new, never been opened hatchimal in my right hand here. It has the instructions and is easy to use, but it has never been touched. (Holding up my left hand) but here I have another hatchimal that another kid has played with and the hair has come off and it doesn’t make any noise anymore, but you can still play with it. So, you choose, which one do you want? The unopened one or the one that’s been played with?”
Iraina and Aislyn, “the new one!”
Mom, “exactly, that’s what I’m trying to say here. Wouldn’t you want to have a ‘naked hug’ that hasn’t been done before? A ‘naked hug’ that is clean and true and for the very first time and something you can enjoy for the rest of your life because you take care of it for yourself?”
Now that you’ve had a snippet of our somewhat, everyday normal conversations – you may come to realize how much is actually going on in little peoples heads and if we don’t pry and ask, they’ll come to their own conclusions and either wing it and make excellent choices or end up going through life with no direction because we didn’t pry and ask them what they’re thinking.
Yes I’m giving them my point of view and what I’d really like them to choose, but at the end of the day it’s their decision and I’m really praying we raise them to choose the better option.
Now, as a disclaimer I have obviously excluded any form of abuse or trauma because they haven’t experienced that. But please don’t feel that in reading this it makes you the “tablespoon girl” that has al the Tablespoon guys that she’s been with. You are not this person, this person chose her lifestyle – whereas what has happened to you, happened TO you and was not your choice. Your gift was stolen and you couldn’t do anything about it.
I believe in a God that recovers the stolen goods and repackages it and presents it as brand new. So understand my heart whenever I talk about purity.
Do you pry into your child’s mind? As them what they think? How do you talk about it? Do you think they’re too young? Share your thoughts in the comments section and I’d love to learn from you.