Posted in Shaveh

Don’t you wish you could just go back?

Ok, I’m probably going to be like, majorly nostalgic in this one. This week builds up to the day I turn 35. Plus I’ve had one of those weekends of rehashing memories and just facing my “younger” self, all over again. Birthday’s do this to me, I honestly don’t know why. This whole process might explain why I don’t really like to make a big deal about them for myself. It’s weird, since I’m an extrovert.

I don’t know, but anyway let’s get into why this past weekend tossed my memory “salad”.

Tim and I have started to slowly get more involved with the youth ministry at our church. It’s something we’ve felt is important to do, ahead of our oldest jumping into that pond. We feel that it’s a season we’re meant to pour our lives into, and I must admit that it’s been amazing how we’ve both started to find our way with it.

So this past weekend was our youth’s holiday camp and Tim had been asked to be part of the leadership team and do a talk on worship on the Saturday. In preparing for it, the guys were hashing over it in the kitchen on Thursday night and chatting through how they wanted to approach the talk. As always, I put my two cents into the conversation but this time they (being Jason and Tim) both turned to me and said I should be a part of the talk as well.

Ok, pause!

Part of me was jumping up and down with joy because, hey! The extrovert loves to be out there, right? BUT the other part of me was ducking under the chair and shying behind inexperience and the fact that, the last time I spoke in front of any crowd “officially” – like teaching….. was forever ago. I can do the spontaneous talk and interview but teach?….. other than my children – KABOOM! Insecurity bomb right there.

But, I know that this is where I’m supposed to be going with my life, alongside Tim and where better to test the waters than in front of a crowd of slump shouldered teenagers. (Queue lump in thoat, and dry cough)


So, I felt that in order to bring the concept of how our worship to God is determined by our experience and relationship with Him, I would need to make it practical and share my life with them in a different way.

As nervously as I tried not to be, I shared with them the power of how music connects you to your experiences – whether you feel something or not, when the music is playing.

I walked down memory lane on how “Pump up the Jam” was the very first song I can remember listening to on the radio. I was 6 years old.

Thereafter I shared various songs that peg point various moments in my life. Like my very first slow dance. My first heartbreak. Meeting Tim. Getting married. Pregnancy number 1,2 & 3.

With every one, I could describe the weather, the smell in the air, the way I felt when these various events happened. All coming through to the point that music has been designed to connect us to something or someone and when we worship the deeper our relationship is, the more meaningful the moment or memory made.

Ok, so enough about my little tidbit teaching – why do I wish I could go back? I hear you ask, well…..

Some memories, I didn’t feel the liberty to share. Obviously because they’re personal and private. But also in order for me to come to the ones I ended up sharing, I had to sift through a whole lot of other memories that I just wish I could go back and give myself a fat smack. You know, the ones where you over reacted about something really unimportant. Or where you thought it was way bigger of an issue than it actually was. Or if you could just see the situation for what it really was and not the illusion you thought you were living in.

Now, don’t get me wrong – I don’t regret any of my memories and life lessons, but there are some where I wished I just said things differently or approached them with a little more tact.

But in stirring up moments I’ve lived through, I look at the time that’s lapsed between then and now and just how much those moments have actually meant to me. What they’ve taught me. I honestly don’t think I would be who I am today without them and what they did to my character.

There were so many, like

Being a child – young and carefree. Playing my heart out, wrestling with right and wrong, to obey or to “just do it”.

Being an adolescent, figuring out where I fit in the world, who were my friends and why did people like me or not.

Oh, the teen years and the explosion of discovery emotionally, physically and spiritually. What…… a……. ride!

Becoming an adult and learning about the big bad world and how real things are out from under the protection of my snug little environment.

I bet, every one of you can read this and think of moments in those slots in your life that you absolutely loved or absolutely hated. As much as some of them might completely suck, as much as we can’t go back and give ourselves a smack to do things better or differently. We are who we are today, because of those moments.

I’d love to read if this means anything to you and if you relate to what I’ve written. Pop a comment in the section just under here and let’s have a chat and walk down memory lane together. I’d love to learn from you.


I'm a woman finding my way through life as the wife of Tim, the mom to 3 growing kids and trying to maintain some sort of self through it all. I hope you enjoy reading how I journey with my troops through this thing we call life.

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