I honestly don’t have real words to genuinely explain how I’m feeling right now. It’s pretty overwhelming and yet at the same time I know that I’m in the right place and space of my life. A part of me is completely hating it and yet the other part is loving the transition and up for the challenge that I’m navigating through.
So I’m going split myself up and explain each part of me. This will hopefully bring some clarity to where I’m at and what’s going on.
This part of me feels like the wheels are coming off ever so slightly. You know that sound that your brakes make when they need to be replaced. Or the wobble in your steering wheel when you hit the highway and your knuckles turn a shade lighter because you’re holding it so tight to try and control the shaking. That’s how I feel. The engine is running but I’m feeling that if I don’t take stock soon and get a service, something’s going to give.
I say this because the WORK me has been getting a lot of attention lately. So trying to keep up with just enjoying my kids and being involved in their everyday lives, is a little harder than I’m used to. I know it’s just a season for WORK me to be busy, but it’s come at a time when transitions are happening. Transitions in each of my kids.
Aislyn, is transitioning into a graceful adolescent that is witty, challenging and strong. It’s absolutely awe inspiring to watch and yet at the same time – what is happening? My little girl is about to exit and I feel like I’m watching her start to step onto the long stair case to complete independence and into the world of teenager. I want to wallow in this moment and hit pause and document everything.
Iraina, has just blossomed. The child that is before me at this moment is not the child I have been raising all of these 7 years. It’s like something has been unlocked and lit up. She’s incredibly confident lately. She’s starting to speak her mind and not afraid to be wrong or shy about it. I mean come on! Just in January she wouldn’t even follow through with an instruction without stopping 3 times to ask if she’s doing it right. Now, she just shoots ahead and doesn’t look back. It’s incredible! I so badly want to just sit back, hit rewind and find the moment she changed. I honestly don’t know what it was that helped her click into this mode. I love that she’s found her voice and that she’s stepping up. It’s what I want for my kids.
Jude – ahhhh my boy Jude. He’s not completely potty trained but because of his ability to actually wee and poo on the toilet (with my routine queues) I feel like I’m slowly watching the last few moments of having a baby in the house. He graduated to a big boy “toddler” bed and absolutely loves it. So much so, he’s sleeping through!!! Can I get a Hallelujah! Woohoo. This coupled with more talking and more words coming – I’m blown away by his quirky character and love for various things. Chosen by him. Sigh.
So Mom me, is looking around at the nest literally trying to grab at straws to capture as much as I can of every single one of my children’s lives. Plus, MOM me would love to cook a proper meal soon and make sure that her kids aren’t just living off naughty food. So – I’m going to look into Doorstep Chef and see if that’s going to be the best way to guarantee a healthy meal for my little tribe.
I literally look at this part of me in the mirror and go, “UGH!”. Once, again because WORK me is getting the attention, this part of me has had to resort to auto pilot mode. My kids are getting educated, but not at the high standard that has been set in HOMESCHOOL me’s head. I had an awesome routine in place and everything was running smoothly and all was perfect in our little homeschool world. And then BAM! Focus shifted and it has been really important for my family that I do this – but it’s left HOMESCHOOL me calling out for an opportunity to shine. So, I’m hoping that I’ll get back to normal in about 2 weeks time – but 2 weeks is forever in that part of my world.
I absolutely love being a wife. Like having children, it’s something I chose to do. It’s important for me to be completely supportive and strong on the brink of a big change or opportunity in my husband’s life. So all of my “wheels coming off” moments are needing to happen at the right times or else it will have my poor hubby spin out into “fix it” mode and yet that’s not what I’m needing. I just need to vent – and that’s been interesting trying to find the right slots to do that without burdening him in any way. I feel like a Wife ninja – waiting for the best moment to hit him with the information without completely taking him out. Lol.
Agh shame. This poor little lost part of me is doing it’s best. It’s at my age and season that I’ve slowly transitioned into realising that as much as I talk to a lot people everyday – they’re not really my “friends”. I miss my solid, close friends. I have about 2 or 3 now that I genuinely talk to and spend quality time with but the rest are all on a shelf screaming at me to visit and have a good chat. It’s these friends that know who they are and also are completely understanding of the seasons we are all in. When we hook up, it’s like time has frozen and we pick up where we left off. But I so badly want to have these moments more often.
What a trip. This part of me is on fire at the moment. But, as much as I’m enjoying it – because of all of the other parts of me, it’s kind of hard to completely throw myself into it. I haven’t worked like this in a few years and it’s invigorating and yet at the same time I feel completely distracted by the other parts of me that are my real focus and fuel. It’s really interesting because as much as I love what I do – the reward of “mental fulfillment” or “monetary gain” is always completely overshadowed by the satisfying feeling I get from the other parts of me. It’s wild because as much as I know how much this will benefit our family – It’s at the bottom of my list of “me’s” for a reason. But I will not undermine this part and I will continue to exercise this role when I can because it’s good for me. But in doing this, I’ve come to a place of knowing that Homeschool Me and Mom Me are the priority and where I’m most fulfilled right now.
Ok, so now that I’ve put it all down – it kinda makes sense I’ve gained a lot of perspective to where I’m actually at. Thank you for reading it and I hope you’ve learned something from my little blurb. Please do share how you balance it all and how it feels..