Every time I think about writing about being Tim’s wife and what we do, I honestly sit and have a debate about how much do I share and what do I keep private. You know? It’s this toss up between being too familiar and private or too much information or should I share a lot more? I have this debate because as much as I love to write and record what my thoughts are and what’s happening – it’s not just my life here, it’s Tims’, my kids and those closest to us.
Before you read this one, I want to make sure that you completely understand my tone. I am not complaining or moaning in any way about my husband. Those words are reserved for Gods eyes and ears only. I’m simply letting you in to have a squiz at my ever growing younger self along side an ever growing younger Tim.
So, for those of you who know me personally, you’ll have a giggle and remember the “Shaveh” of the earlier years. I can describe myself as a “loose canon” training to be a silenced “sniper gun.” Learning to control my thoughts and feelings to come out as skilled and as poignant as possible without leaving shrapnel and mess everywhere. So bare with me as I describe what it’s like to be married to a visionary, pioneer and a God believing entrepreneur.
I can remember the first time that I had to seriously realize that my husband is an “all in” kind of guy with his calling. Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t the same as being committed to being married, or being a father or sticking with a job or responsibility – those things naturally make sense with that kind of labeled commitment. No, I’m talking about when everyone is looking at a task or a vision and saying, “nope, that’s a stupid move – it’s impossible” kind of “all in” guy. (I hope that makes sense)
He has known what he is called to do from as far back as I can remember. He’s had dreams about it. These dreams have given him tastes of what it’s going to look like at different points in our lives. So, the first time I saw this “all in” guy come out was when he saw the potential to have our church, at the time, lay down their own music and make it an income source and share their sound with South Africa and the world.
Guys, this was 10 years ago. It lit a fire under his bum so big not even the growing baby about to come out of me, could slow him down. It was in that season that I realized that God had given my husband a passion to gather and record authentic worship from people in their local spiritual families. He was “all in”.
Obviously at the time, I was teary and emotional about having him come home really late at night after being in the studio with the various bands and the engineer. I was a complete mess, ‘thinking’ that this guy didn’t even care about his wife and baby above some project, that I honestly thought it would be just a blow over thing because no one cared about it as much as he did.
But, as much as he was “all in” on the project, he still showed up for every anti-natal class, every scan, every tear that fell on my pillow in my hormonal state (I remember I was crying because we didn’t have anything for our baby – trust me, looking back, we had A LOT already-manipulation is an ugly thing).
But I came to realise that by me putting pressure on him to fulfill my expectations of what the “perfect father” and husband should be, it was causing the flame under him for the project, to start to dim. The light in his eyes faded every time I whined about him not being “all in” with me and doing what he was doing.
It was in those moments that God reminded me of a description in Proverbs 27:15 “a nagging wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm”.
Have you ever been in a room with that kind of sound? Bucket or no bucket it gets under your skin and can actually drill at your inner conscience to potentially make you lose it.
With that picture in mind, it was then that I learned that it isn’t my job to “nag him” into the man I expect him to be, with all of my manipulative hormones. Come on, right? “all in” was meant to be for me, his wife! And his growing baby (picture a neck roll, sista style)
Nope, I had to let it go and give it to God who needed to first sort me out first (yup, nice mirror sessions that still happen) and then do whatever He was up to with Tim without my help or two cents. And now looking back, God was laying the ground work for Tim to exercise his boundaries and how to fully put himself “all in” to what God has called him to do but at the same time balance time with us as a family. (trust me it wasn’t an over night fix, I’m just giving you a taste of the early years – it wasn’t rosie and it ain’t perfect now either)
And so, why am I telling you this? – well, as his wife I often take time to reflect on how we got ourselves to where we are and also, for the first time, have you (the reader) understand what it’s like to be in this kind of lifestyle. So, in learning that when I stop “nagging”, because he’s “all in” with his calling, I release him into a fulfilling pursuit of what God has called him to do.
And over the years when I see Tim is fulfilled and not drained by my “neediness” – he automatically fills all the roles I supposedly “expected” him to fill. How? Because I’m not looking to him anymore – I’m constantly having to ask myself what do I need to be for him so that he can be the best he can be. It’s as hard as heck, but my Daddy God has our backs all of the time which makes it so much safer to make mistakes.
Do you nag? Or have a nagging kid, friend or spouse? It’s hard hey? Let me know what you’ve learned over the years from those relationships.